My heart

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I don't care to share this with lots of people, but since this blog is pretty much just for us as a journal, I feel like I want to write this down somewhere. The week of Thanksgiving I had my annual cardiologist appointment. I had the echocardiogram then met with Dr. Otrusnik in Logan. The appointment started out ok. He said my heart hadn't changed much from the year before, but I did have moderate leakage. He then said I would have to have another open heart surgery at some point. Then I asked him about whether I could have more kids... and he told me it wasn't the best idea. He said that I would be very high risk for going into heart failure, and if that happened (likely in the 3rd trimester), the baby would likely die and so could I. He said I should consider myself very blessed for 2 two children, and consider the risks. I left the appointment crying. We have been planning on having 3-4 kids.
Mike has been very supportive. He said that he was very happy with our kids, and we would be fine. I also talked to my parents and their first reactions were that we shouldn't risk anything. They also suggested getting a second opinion.
So, I set up an appointment with Dr. Haws- my original cardiologist. Mike was out of town for work, so I took the kids down to West Jordan. My sweet Dad made a fort with the kids while my Mom and I went to the appointment. It started off so well, Dr. Haws had the report from my echo but couldn't see the images. He said my heart sounded mild and he thought I would be fine having more kids. He said just in case he wanted to hook me up to an echo real quick so he could see for himself. So we went in the other room, they hooked me up, and his mood changed quickly. He said I have moderate-severage leakage, and that he agreed with Dr. Otrusnik. I would have about a 50/50 chance of becoming congested in the chest and going into heart failure. He also agreed I would need another surgery sometime. He said I should be there for the 2 kids I have and probably not have more. That was quite the appointment.
So.. there is the info I have. We have decided that unless we get strong inspiration that we should have more kids we are done at 2. Part of me thinks that it was a good thing this all happened around Thanksgiving, because it reminded me how thankful I am. I have 2 beautiful, amazing kids that fill my life. I want them to have more siblings like I have, but that is not in the cards for us at least at this point. It is a miracle that I even have them, it truly is. I think maybe Austin came a month early because it was a blessing to my heart and him as well.
I went to my yearly gyno appointment and the lady I met with said something that really stuck with me. I told her about my situation and she kept expressing sorrow for me. I felt like I needed to keep saying I am thankful for the kids I have, and she stopped me and said, It's ok to be sad. I really appreciated that. I have planned on having a big family forever, and it is looking like that won't happen. I have been devastated. And it's ok to be sad.
I am sad. But like I said I am very thankful. My kids are a miracle and I am so thankful for them. They are my everything and my family is whole. We will see what the future holds, but for now, we are thankful and loving our amazing family!